super duper senior

still on the sideline.

2012-01-19T20:11:00.000-08:00

yea im still there. ive been doing it since college. its the last thing left of my nemesis. it doesnt sound too hard. it should be easy. i should just say yes. one yes at a time.

i went to palm springs with my cousin. we had a good time...but it couldve been better if i just decided to show up. am i that socially limp? ive always thought of myself as a social guy. i did pretty well in hs. i did pretty well in the beginning of college. i didnt peak yet.

i havent peaked yet.

catching up.

2012-01-05T09:17:00.000-08:00

I brought up "catching up" in my last entry. So what does that mean? I guess to me it means doing all the things I wasn't able to do before because of my health. Doing what I could only watch for years. Sadly I actually thought I could recreate the happiness I could only watch. I did get to miss out on one thing I've never missed: responsibility.

It's really easy to hold back when you don't have money. Now my issues aren't about why I shouldn't do something its more along the lines of I wish I didn't do that. All this catching up must be about catching up on my regrets. I guess you can only be 21 once...or 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27...I think it stops by then. I can honestly say the majority of my 20s were not available to me. I never felt like a real person. Feeling disabled sucks.

I'm getting better at this; I see myself bouncing back a lot faster now. I have to keep trying at this game as if I was playing Final Fantasy. I need to level up. Nothing good comes along with catching up.

groundhog day

2012-01-02T20:37:00.000-08:00

I'm watching the movie groundhog day and it reminds me of my life before I accepted it; waking up everyday knowing what to expect and the realization that there is nothing i can do to change it. I guess things have changed. I see a question before me instead: what should I do now?

I think last year was my final year of needing to "catch up." Well...I hope. There are 4 stages to the movie: acceptance, abusing the situation, building a skill, and a positive outcome. I guess I'm done with abusing the situation. I can work and take care of myself but there's still something missing. I guess Bill Murray had a lot more time to practice his moves. He planned a perfect day...and got caught making a list. I guess its a lot easier when she just likes you already.

I do have to say it was still a lot of fun. Just being in the same room was fun. Was is the key word though. I guess I have to start trying new things now. I've already started building new skills and have been forcing myself to be more self reliant. Being content is really hard.

I guess you get them by being impressive. She only started flirting with him after his great speech. I'll try not to try anymore. I promise.

almost 4 years later.

2011-12-24T16:20:00.000-08:00

wow its been about 3.5 years since college. lets see what ive done:

i'm writing this in html and it feels normal.
ive been healthy for about 2.5 years.
been working for just over 2 years now.
i started school again this past fall at local CCs: beginner c++ and a javascript class
I will be taking spring semester as well: php/sql, flash, and illustrator

you know after all these years i would think id know javascript by now. i guess my direction is a little too fast for my movements. im sitll there though...just lagging. maybe my connection is slow. i see all this time ahead of me...useful time. i know i can do it

this reminds me of a stupid video i made in my youth. was i youth? i guess my head was. so lately ive been trying to keep a daily routine but havent been able to accomplish it. my standards are too high for myself. i would really like to have a cigarette. oh yeah...ive been trying to stay clean since thanksgiving weekend. should i put that in my accomplishments? im not ready yet.

so i guess i dont need a parent around to let down anymore. i have myself. this is kind of funny...and, honestly, not sad. im not disappointed in myself for my stage in life...but i know i could be doing better. i do have much more to do. im still a super duper senior.